[Warning: Very Long Post Alert]
I am writing this post as a response to some of the issues Buttercup raised in her post "
C-Word" (please check it out if u haven't read it yet).
So first and foremost I wud like to say men are NATURALLY NON-CHEATERS, some just get rewired by society. Are u wailing already??? Well from the first time men develop feelings for women, there is not one iota of cheating in their system. Before you crucify me any further, picture that 5-yr old boy in school who sets his eyes on that beautiful damsel in his class, he is literally lovestruck. Yep! that is where it all begins. Probably 99% of you reading this had this experience. (male to female or vice versa) That young lad tries all the plays he has in his playbook to get this damsel to notice him, eventually she does and they become that hot couple, holding hands, sharing snacks and all that stuff. As you all might/should know, we don't live in a vaccuum, so definitely this young hot couple are going have friends. If the guy is that fine cute type, he is probably gonna have the other girls in school trippin' 4 him, and despite the fact that he wud interact with these girls, his eyes is still very much set on his damsel. You will never find him trying to play his damsel and some other chic on the same level. Now fast forward about 13 yrs. Our young lad (Ebunoluwa) has turned out to be a handsome teenager, he has come to realize that the real world ain't like what he enjoyed in primary school. He now understands that his family is polygamous, and being his inquisitive self he decides to ask his dad why he (his father) chose to be a polygamist. The following conversation ensues:
Ebun: Dad u know I really love this family
Father: ehen
Son: But I've had this question that has been bugging me for as long as I can remember...
Father: Will you stop beating around the bush and ask your question, I don't have all day
Son: Ok, (takes a deep breath) I was just wondering why you decided to be a polygamist? (**sigh of relief**)
Father: Sonny boy, that is a complex question. What you must know first is that it is not easy to love 2 or more women equally as your wives. Growing up in the 40s our society was very patriachical, so to have a male child was like a gift from God. When I married your mother, we tried and tried to have a child but to no avail. Then the naivity of my patriachical upbringing started kicking in, I wanted a child, a male child. Growing up, I lived the stupid philandering lifestyle with my friends with the belief that it was ok to maintain two intimate relationships with unsuspecting women (what ur generation wud call cheating) because some of our parents had 2 wives, yet we were clever enough to keep our affairs secret from the women at least until they found out. Anyways with this in mind and the constant pressure from my family, I sought to find a second wife that wud bear a male child for me, all this I did without your mother's knowledge. Eventually I confronted your mother with the situation, and she was taken aback, but God bless her heart she stayed with me nonetheless. Those were trying times for us, because I found it so hard to love ur mother the way I did when we started out and still chase another woman. Not long after I took a second wife, your mother got pregnant with you, you were truly God's gift to this family hence ur name Ebunoluwa. Months after, your step-mother became pregnant with ur lil' sister and from there the rest is history.
Ebun: But da..
Father: I tell you this story because I want you to know that my being a polygamist was not necessarily a decision I wanted to make, but one that society forced me to make. But ur generation, you have a way of fighting back at society where it seems to be getting it all wrong so hopefully noone wud have to force your hands. I know I was selfish and instead of standing by your mother through thick and thin like I promised, I bailed under pressure. She forgave me, please find it in your own heart to forgive me.
Ebun: There is nothing to forgive, like I said earlier, I love this family and always will. I cannot hold anything against you, if anything your experience brought me into this loving family
I tell this story to shed light on the fact that polygamy is no excuse for the cheating men we have in our society today, as "D" the guy in buttercup's story claims. Polygamy grew out of a heavily patriachical society seeking male children, some men saw it as an means of masking their insecure and insatiable sexual appetite, and have tried to paint it as natural to our African-ness. And though our societies might still be a bit patriachical, I believe we have come to realise that woman is not equal to weakness, and not just a vending machine for babies.
The next question that comes to mind is that "well not all men use polygamy as an excuse, yet some of these men still cheat, what do u have to say about that?" Well my answer is simple and very twisted at the same time... here it goes..."Sex happened." Again I'll speak from the African/Nigerian perspective plainly because if I chose to also tackle the western perspective this post wud not end. So anyways, back to our patriachical society. Women were looked upon as objects for a man's satisfication, as a result you found men trying to exploit any woman their power and influence could conquer, forcefully or otherwise...Perversion "started" and the beast of sex was unleashed. As we developed, some men had to work to satisfy that beast, they started spending money, spittin game sugar coated with lies just to get a woman to open her legs. (some did other disturbing things too, but that is not what this post is about so I'll save it 4 anoda day.) Let me just say that sex is not a bad thing oo, neither was it an experience that only benefited the man. Anyways with time, women came to realize that they had something the men wanted, and so came the use of the female sexuality as a way to garner some "authority" in the male dominated society. But some men became like a drug addict hooked on crack, whose dealer starts to hold back and do "shakara" (frontin'), thus prompting the drug addict to find the next best dealer who enjoys the benefits he/she gets from selling crack to the addict. Well these men scout for women who enjoy sex and the fringe benefits that comes with giving it up, needless to say not all women gave it up just for its fringe benefits. Before long, sex becomes commonplace thus prompting more women to be more insecure and give it up earlier for fear of losing their men to the free-giver out there (kudos to those women who stand their ground).
[My point here is that sex has become like ur GSM recharge card...u want it, but u can equally do without it. Sometimes u get it when u want, sometimes u don't. Sometimes u have to spend money to get it, sometimes u get it for free, and it just so happens that some pple just never learned how to turn down some free gifts...]
Next comes the one-nite-standers. Both men and women alike have come to think of it as "oohh something exciting, crazy, adventurous" and then when prompted with the reality of their actions afterwards wanna blame the drinks they had...well **newsflash** if the drinks make u act a fool, put it down silly. Those excitements or adventures watever u wanna call it do not exist in a vaccuum, they are part of and affect your reality. Need I say more??? ...So moving on from the one-nite-standers to the Friends With Benefits...my take on the friends with benefits like I told
Buttercup is that it is a big commitment spoiler, to the guy, he is just ur "friend" and he don't owe u no sexual commitment, he can sleep wit u today and sleep with another 3 hrs after...ain't nothing wrong with that right? Well the sad thing is that they are just setting themselves up not to honor commitments, so when they eventually get into a relationship, they can't see why they should be with only one partner. The fact that they now carry the title boyfriend and girlfriend shud not make a difference now...ha.
My last point b4 I wrap this up is that of emotions. Every now and then you here talk about how men are emotionless sex mongers and all that. Of course that is not true, but I'll tell you why I think people say that. First there is this notion for women about not dating a friend and then there is another notion for men that once you are in the friend zone it's a wrap, no action 4 u..blah blah blah. This would then mean that they date non-friends??? Maybe that wud explain the lack of emotional integrity in relationships that eventually lead to cheating. I am not saying go and start dating all ur friends ooo...but while keeping your old friendships make new "friendships" and try picking ur relationships from ur genuine friendships. Often times people tend to date a person and then try to make create friendships, mind you nothing is wrong with that, but lets also try making friendships and making a relationship out of those friendships. I believe it could go a long way in throwing more emotions in relationships and hopefully some more faithfulness cos [true friends don't hurt each other...at least not intentionally...]
ps: I hope I was not ranting too much sha. I wud also love to hear from the ladies on why women cheat (we all know they do..lol). Guys let me know if I missed anything...
ciao
....H2O
